Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given
by 'im upstairs...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented -
to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our head.
But you pay the taxes!
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
Scatter. Party!
(# BLACK EYED PEAS: Shut Up)
JAMIE: The two things my mum never allowed us to do when we were nippers.
Potholing because she's claustrophobic.
And riding a motorbike, cos her cousin Shirley came off hers
on the A34 when she was 16.
Jamie!
Broke her back in three places. My old mate Kenny Morris had a Suzuki.
(YELLS) Jamie!
He used to try and make me ride on the back, so he could spin me round
at 90 miles an hour and laugh at me bricking it.
When I kept refusing, we ended up falling out and he gave me a black eye.
When I lied to my mum about why he'd twatted me,
my dad called me a wimp for not giving him one back.
Early lesson in being a Maguire.
Sometimes, you just can't win.
Where've you been?
All this space. We're not capitalising.
We are not making the best of what we've got here.
Hip And Thigh. Atkins. F-Plan.
They made millions. Millions. We should do summat here.
- Here? - Classes. We'd make a fortune.
Better than spending 50 quid a month in some sweaty gym.
And I will guarantee they'll love it. What do you think?
You need your head testing.
You see, that's why I love you, Jamie.
Your infectious enthusiasm and zest for life.
Please, Paddy.
Please.
Just a bit more time.
- CHESNEY: Leave her alone. - Stay out of this.
Chesney - no!
What's going on?
None of your business.
Ches, please.
Thursday. Every penny, understood?
Understood?
You ever need a job, Chesney, give us a call.
(GROUP PLAYS JAUNTY PIECE)
(COIN DROPS)
- Ah, sorry! - Sorry!
Holly... Holly!
Aren't babies supposed to ruin your figure?
Oh, you can bang on about overactive thyroid, big fucking bones
till you're blue in the face.
Sit on your arse, eat too many cakes, you are going to get fat. Simple.
Are you all right?
I'll take that as a no, then?
You've forgotten, haven't you?
What?
What's the big deal?
Mum and Dad?
- We arranged to go round. - We can still go now, can't we?
In that state? You're shitfaced.
Since when did you become my wife?
Can I borrow some gel?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Will you ever forgive me?
Will I do?
Look, come on, babes.
Leave it, Carl.
What women say and what women mean are usually two different things, Carl.
Thought you'd know that by now.
I said no!
You've got to learn to attend to her needs, Carl.
Even an 11-year-old can work that one out.
Fancy a pint?
- Bit early, innit? - Go on then, son.
Fuck off.
(BURPS) Slippery slope.
IAN: Can't you just rearrange?
Tell them he's not well.
They're not going to be that angry, are they?
(SHE CRIES)
Come here.
All right, Samson, are you gonna fuckin' get it or what?
- (CREAKING) - Oh yeah...
(GRUNTING AND SMASHING)
Where's Connor?
JAMIE: Karen!
Connor?
You said Mum had him.
You said you were taking him out.
No, I didn't!
(BABY CRIES)
She did.
Oh... Hey.
What's going on?
- Nothing. - You didn't know where he was!
PADDY: He's fine. That's all that matters.
MIMI: Come on, sunshine.
He's my sunshine.
You don't trust me?
Come on. Leave them in peace.
You don't, do ya?
Stan?
It's all right.
No, it isn't!
Why do you have to pick on him?
What?
It's got nothing to do with him!
- Nothing to do with what? - Don't give me that crap!
- I borrowed the money, not him! - Cool it, Yvonne.
So if you're going to smash anybody's face in it should be mine.
- I don't know what you're on about! - Stan. He's battered.
That's got nothing to do with me.
I just need a bit more time.
48 hours. That's plenty.
Plumber?
Leak?
Plumber...leak! Yeah, right! (LAUGHS)
(# KIM WILDE: Kids In America)
KAREN: Woo! Come on, girls...
My fitness empire starts here!
You can spin yourself thin with Karen Maguire!
Woo!
(BABY CRIES)
What time you on till?
Things no better, then?
She keeps cutting me out, just blanking me.
It's a lot to take on board, mate.
What? A few pints and I missed a dinner with the in-laws?
Big fucking deal.
Do you have any money for charity?
- Hi! - Hi.
Wanna get the tram into town? Get a burger or something?
Can't.
Why not?
I'm not allowed.
Veggie?
Knife crime. Dad thinks I'll end up getting stabbed.
You'll be all right with me.
Look after me, would you? Protect me?
Do my best.
Fancy coming to mine for tea?
It's just tea, Liam, not a marriage proposal...
Bad move, borrowing off a Maguire?
I had no choice.
Only way I could pay to get this lot fixed after t'fire.
The bank won't touch me.
I can help.
- This is it. - Wow...
Do you mind if I kiss you before we go in?
Yeah. I mean...
What about your dad?
I'd sooner kiss you...
So what does your mother do, Liam?
She's a nurse.
- And what about your father? - He passed away.
Sorry, son.
It's not your fault. It was a long time ago.
Do you remember him?
He was a doctor.
Family of medics, eh?
He was a heart specialist. Consulted in unexplained coronaries in young adults.
Really?
Pioneered three drugs trials at the MRI.
He was up for two clinical excellence awards.
Fantastic.
When they gave him a three-page spread in The Lancet,
we realised he was something special.
He was up for an MBE but he was against the monarchy.
Said they were all a bunch of overpaid, over-privileged idiots.
That's the only thing we disagreed on.
Personally I'm all for the royal family.
A ray of light in such dark times.
Where they lead, we follow. Don't you think?
Is it OK if me and Liam go upstairs? Listen to some music?
I think its probably best I get Liam back home now, Holly.
It's fine, thanks, I'll walk.
Don't be silly, where do you live?
Thanks!
You should go and see her.
What's she said?
It's about her mum and dad.
She can piss off. I've said sorry. I'm not grovelling.
Carl, I'm only trying to help you.
You get yourself a proper bird for once then you fuck it all up.
- Is that what you want? - Who said I fucked it up?
Just go and see her.
Talk to her. If you don't, you'll end up losing her.
FRANK: Pint and two vowels, Karen.
Mimi?
Isn't that enough practice for one day?
You can make yourself useful if you like. Clear glasses!
This is useful!
Have you seen what it does for your triceps?
I don't want bingo wings at my age, do I?
(CHUCKLES) That's just the start, Karen.
It's not just physical.
One baby comes into the world and another brain departs.
Here we go.
As the foetus gestates, it sucks every bit of goodness from its host.
Protein and calcium.
Vitamins and minerals.
And ounce by ounce, as the baby grows, its mother shrinks
in equal proportion.
Hello!
Cut the crap, Frank.
Sheila used to keep the bog roll in the fridge when she was up the duff.
(LAUGHING)
KAREN: I like it when you talk about her.
Do you miss her?
I do.
When she left, it took me a long, long time
to even begin to come to terms with it.
A good...
few days.
Maybe even a week.
Had this pain...
you see, in my chest.
And it made me realise, it made me understand,
what love is,
what it must be, if it exists, cos when she was gone...
I made myself feel better trying to understand the madness.
I missed it.
I even started washing my hands after taking a piss.
Was she hard to live with? Cope with?
Fucking nightmare.
But no worse than the rest of us though, eh?
You are nothing like her, Karen.
Don't believe that bollocks about we all eventually
end up turning into our parents.
Cos if it were true, I'd be an uptight twat
with a penchant for Shirley Bassey.
Thanks.
S'all right.
How do you know when things are moving too fast? With a girl.
Blimey.
If you love her?
Do you love her?
I think so.
Have you bought her a soft toy yet?
As if.
Oh, well, it's not quite love yet, then.
She's nicked one of my pens.
Has she? That's serious.
So you reckon I should buy her a teddy?
(DOOR CLOSES)
Ian said I'd lose you.
You'd better go up, love.
What's he said?
I should've known myself.
Not have him tell me.
Told you what?
That if I carry on like this, I'll lose you.
There's no point going over it, is there?
You're right.
Cut the crap, Carl. Show her how you feel.
Buy her a stuffed puppy or something.
You're the first girl I've ever said this to.
Leave it, Carl.
I love you.
I want to be with you. I can't stop thinking about you.
I never meant for it to go this far.
I'm sorry about your mum and dad.
You don't need to be.
I know how much they mean to you. I could've fucked that up.
Don't want to come between them and their little girl, do I?
Daddy's little princess.
I've had an abortion.
Carl?
MICKY: How d'you know when you're in love?
You just do.
Have sweaty palms got anything to do with it?
- That is our plumber. - Him?
Hundred quid and he'll hold your hand in Pizza Express.
Extortion.
I'm gonna bring him here.
Get a takeaway. Give him something proper to hold on to.
Cheaper to fuck than to mend a pipe?
You would, though. Wouldn't ya?
(SHE LAUGHS)
What the fuck are you up to?
Rosemary Conley had it right.
You just lay off the cheese.
Moved around a bit.
Got thinner legs! Hey presto!
She made millions.
Now that's enterprise. Women come up to me
and tell me I look amazing for a bird that's just dropped a kid.
Yeah, well you do.
I knew I was special. Like Madonna special. Or Kylie.
Come on. You're better than that.
This is my empire, Jamie.
Boing...
What you rattling about at this hour for?
What's she been doing? It's not normal.
- She's fine. - She isn't fine!
Even Frank friggin' Gallagher's noticed.
People can see it, you know! Why can't you?
Get your father and the lads, we need to look for her.
Leave it.
That's my grandson that's out there!
And she's my wife! Now just fuck off!
Karen, everything OK?
I could do with a bit of a hand.
It's a bit early to be shopping, isn't it?
- Once Connor's awake, I'm awake. - Karen. Where the fuck've you been?
I've been shopping. Got you some custard tarts.
You didn't bring your mobile.
- Who am I going to call at this time? - Fuck's sake, Karen.
You're overreacting.
You've been gone all night!
Get a grip. He's going to have me micro-chipped next.
- Is he OK? - Why wouldn't he be OK?
Anything could've happened.
Have you seen the CCTV in there?
They've got a separate camera over disposable razors
because apparently they're the most nicked item from supermarkets.
Did you know that? You'd think it'd be perfume or cellulite cream, wouldn't you?
Let's just go home.
Fine.
CARL: You all cheered up now, eh?
You didn't even give me the chance.
If I'd have known I was going to be a dad I might've started to act like one.
It wouldn't have made any difference.
Why? Cos you think I'd be shit?
It's got nothing to do with that.
Just another Frank?
Your words, not mine.
Does Ian know?
No.
We can have kids when we've both grown up a bit.
Yeah, right.
All right?
Where's your mother?
She owes me money, remember?
None of my business, remember?
JOE: You won't find her in there.
This is my shop now. I bought it.
New lock, lack of stock, and barrel.
Wondered how long it'd take you.
With interest.
- Feeling better? - What do you think?
Listen, it had nothing to do with me.
Right. That's what I thought when I got my face smashed in.
Listen, pal, I'm not gonna be sorry for something I haven't done.
- Course not. - It's done. Over.
Wise woman.
A toast - to new beginnings.
(MOBILE RINGS)
Hello?
Rude not to.
Good doing business with you.
(GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
(MUSIC FADES INTO ROMANTIC OPERA MUSIC)
Liam?
(PHONE RINGS)
Jockey.
Frank, school.
Hello? Yeah?
(# SPICE GIRLS: Wannabe)
Stay there, I'll go.
(MUSIC DISTORTS AND ECHOES)
(MUSIC PLAYS NORMALLY)
(MUSIC STOPS)
- Sorry. - It's OK.
How are you feeling?
We should never have decorated.
I know some people that keep dead people's room the same for years.
Like a shrine.
Who had the right to just wipe out all trace of her like that?
I'm sure it wasn't intentional.
It's not right, though. Is it?
You miss her, don't you?
She was me best friend.
She was my baby girl.
Let me get Shane to decorate for you.
Not just in here. I mean the whole pub.
It'll do you good to have a change about the place.
You're too good to me.
Nonsense.
There's no such thing as in-laws where I come from.
You marry into the family and that's it.
You call them mum and dad. Two sets of parents.
(KNOCKING)
MIMI: Karen?
Jesus!
Stop her, Paddy!
Christ! Karen, no!
(KAREN LAUGHS)
MIMI: What are you doing?
Why are you putting us through this, you selfish bitch?
Get out! Just get out!
(SHE SOBS)
Yeah, another pipe's gone, mate.
Well, soon as you can, really.
All right, nice one.
Oh, no! Butterfingers!
No worries.
Happens all the time.
Yeah?
Take it off, I'll dry it out for you.
No need.
It's fine. It's no trouble, mate.
Take it off, I'll sort it.
- I'll live. Honest. - Take it off!
Another drink?
Why not? Yeah.
(# TAKE THAT: Could It Be Magic)
Come on!
JAMIE: Karen!
Karen!
PADDY: Karen?!
(MUSIC GETS LOUDER)
What the fuck do you want?
(MUSIC STOPS)
- I was thinking orange. - Whatever you think.
Blue? Yellow? I dunno. White?
White?
White?! White! White!
Dad! Keep him away! Get him away from me!
(SCREAMS)
- Keep him away! - Not now, son!
- I'm her husband, Dad! Karen! - No!
Please go! Go now!
No!
Come on, come on, sshhh.
Dad!
(SOBS) Dad!
What happens when we die?
Does it just switch off?
You're here for years and then nothing.
Cos what's the point? Could be gone tomorrow.
Could be run over. By a bus. A truck.
A fucking milk float.
Can you imagine the embarrassment if one of them took you out?
You're not going to die.
Joe was right.
Me in me tight tops... (VOICE DEEPENS)...and your short skirt,
you're just a slag.
(NORMAL VOICE) I'm sorry, Mandy.
We couldn't help it, we tried but we couldn't...
I'm so sorry.
(DOOR OPENS)
No! Not him! Fucking hell!
(SCREAMS)
It's me, babes!
No, no!
No! (SCREAMS)
You OK?
- I need somewhere to stay. - That bad?
Come on.
- Let me give you a lift home, eh? - Honest, it's fine.
All right, son?
What's going on? Let's have a look. Come here.
Whoa... That's all right, it's nothing much to write home about. Eh?
Son?
(CHUCKLES) No matter how fucking cool you think you are,
as soon as they get to secondary school
they're always ashamed about being seen with their old man.
Old? Don't you mean deceased?
Holly!
No offence. We thought you were dead.
Well, half cut, pal, I'll give you that.
But as God is my witness I'm anything but dead.
Apparently, they dedicated
a waiting room to your name when you were mown down.
By a fire engine.
Jumped in front of it saving a six-year-old girl's life?
She was thrown fifty feet in the air?
- I thought we were good together. - We are.
Listen, kid. Telling porkies to dazzle the ladies
might seem a good idea at the time
but it's always going to come back and bite you on the arse. Mark my words.
Sorry.
Keep your dignity, kid.
You know, we all do it.
Most lads your age would walk over hot coals to get a bit of muff.
What's a likkle white lie between friends, eh, Mr...
Come on, Holly. I don't blame you for lying, lad.
I'd have done the same if he was my father.
Hey, just hang on a minute, pal.
I'm only trying to be polite. And I'm a good father, for your information.
- Admittedly, not the world's best... - I'm sorry. Can we just start again?
- And where would he fit in? - And I love them.
What if you ask me over for tea and he's there?
We have a laugh together.
I'm proud of what I've got. Proud of each and every one of them.
Will you just shut up? Are you always this rude?
Foul-mouthed? You're behaving like a rancid, festering, smelly old tramp.
Dad, can Liam come in the car with us? Please.
Right, it's OK, son. I understand.
You know where I am if you need me.
Maybe "tramp" was a bit harsh.
Liam?
Liam!
- Why don't we tell them the truth? - And lose all trade?
Not good for business, being cuckoo.
Karen's the reason most blokes come in here.
I think they'll find it in their hearts to forgive her for a few week's absence.
No-one wants a screaming banshee pulling pints, though.
She's ill. Why can't you say that?
- People aren't stupid. - Oh, really? Is that a fact?
We could say she's on remand for assault?
A family tiff?
She knocked seven shades of shite out of one of you two lads?
- Yeah... - I like it... Assault it is, then.
Dad?
What?
Could you sub us a oner? I'm late on my rent and Ian's being a right cunt.
As he should be if you're late.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Good doing business with you.
I take that as a no, then.
Shit.
Fuck!
Promise you'll call me every day.
Course I will.
I love you, son.
Go on.
What kind of mother leaves her son?
A good one. You've done a brilliant job. He's a good lad. He'll be fine.
Thanks.
Keep her safe or you're dead meat.
Course I will.
And you stick with Joe.
He'll look after you.
I can look after myself.
You know what I mean. Be careful.
- She asked me to. - Why?
She said she doesn't want any more hassle.
There is no hassle.
I'm only helping out.
I could've done it.
Maybe it's best if you both get some space for a few days.
Is that what she said? We need space?
That's right up there with "It's not you, it's me".
You'll be telling me she doesn't deserve me next. I knew you'd take her side.
I'm not taking sides!
I want what's best for both of you.
Has she told you everything?
I said what's between you two is none of my business.
- But she... - Carl, no.
Mate, I don't want to know.
(GRUNTING)
- What's happened now? - Pipes.
- Again? - Yeah. I'd better give Dan a call.
What's up?
System must be fucked.
We need the whole thing redoing. Everything just keeps leaking.
No, that's nowt, that.
Just need to replace the trap, that's all.
Someone's been pissing about with this, haven't they?
What?
Helpless female course at sixth form.
I did basic plumbing. Just leave it to me.
Nice one.
JAMIE: Early lesson in being married to a Jackson.
Not sometimes but every time, you just can't win.
But do I really want to?
And what is winning, anyway?
She's a bit like my old mate Kenny Morris, is my missus,
trying to make me go along with one crazy idea after the next.
Hardly ever knows when to take no for an answer
and there's not one person I know that she'll take an ounce of shit from.
The only real difference between her and Kenny is,
when she asks me to get on the back of her bike, I do.
Just like that.
No questions asked.
Fucking terrifying, yeah.
But the ride?
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Hiya. Is that Dicks And Mortar?
Yeah, I think I've got a bit of subsidence, mate.
Any chance you can come over for a shufties?
Nice one.
(GRUNTS)
(ROARS)
(LOUD CRASH)